


When the Dreamer Dies

by JulietRoses



Series: Hurt Merlin One-Shots [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt Merlin, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, M/M, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Merlin-centric (Merlin), Not Beta Read, this one is really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29869128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulietRoses/pseuds/JulietRoses
Summary: Merlin had never been able to deal with loss well. He coped with grief through denial and distraction. A method doomed to fail when losing his King. Doomed to fail when he was taunted with idealistic images and the fantasies of a young naïve boy. A boy dead everywhere except in his deepest unconsciousness.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Hurt Merlin One-Shots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2196045
Comments: 5
Kudos: 21





	When the Dreamer Dies

_Do you know of a place unseen,_

_A place that holds only shattered dreams,_

_A place filled with sorrow with no end in sight,_

_I am given this gift each and every night._

_~ Do you know_ by Michelle Boyd

⁂

Merlin knew, even though it ached somewhere deep within him, he should treasure every single second he got. 

He felt weightless as his head rested on Arthur’s shoulder, slowly moving up and down with the rhythm of Arthur’s breathing. The bed warm and soft beneath them, a welcome change from the old wooden board, Gaius liked to call a bed. While his fingers were drawing small circles on the chest beneath him, a deep sigh escaped him. 

“Arthur?” Merlin whispered tentatively. 

Arthur hummed, his eyes staying closed. He was undoubtedly half asleep already, worn out by their previous activities. Had Merlin been a better man, a less selfish man, he would have just let him sleep. 

“Are you happy?”

Arthur blinked sleepily, confused blue eyes meeting Merlin’s. “With you? Always,” came the whispered response. “Are you?”

“I am. I am so happy,” Merlin replied, his eyes closing contently. And only as the words left his mouth, he noticed how rare they were, how strange they felt on his tongue. 

A silence fell between the two. Slowly, Arthur’s breathing started to even out, the arm wrapped tightly around him unwinding a bit. Merlin’s eyes opened again, his sight slowly getting used to the dark. His eyelids felt heavy, a silent protest to the plan ahead. Despite his body’s disapproval, Merlin couldn’t fall asleep. He knew what would happen if he did. 

⁂

Despite the campfire being the only thing protecting them from the forest and its secrets, Merlin felt safe. He felt sure that even from their place on the ground, wrapped around each other tightly, nothing could get to them. 

Every three seconds a brave spark freed itself from the fire to join the infinite star-filled sky. The once important individual spark becoming one of the millions, part of a mass with a beauty unparalleled. And looking up at the night sky, drowning in its enormity, Merlin found comfort in his own smallness.

One day when he dies, a merciful oblivion will take over. Every mistake he’ll make, every mistake he has made will be lost in nothingness. Despite his pain, his fears, his loss, all sins will be forgiven. Because someday there will be nothing to forgive. It’s life’s final act of kindness. It is the redemption the spiritual can only dream about. 

Merlin sighed, his breath accompanied by a small breeze flowing through the air, making the flames positively dance. 

A red glow illuminated their faces. The heat of the fire would have been enough to keep their body warm, but Merlin couldn’t help but curl closer to Arthur. The only warmth he would allow was the one coming from the body around him. 

“Merlin?” 

Merlin raised his head, looking into the blue eyes of his love. 

“Will you do some magic?” Arthur asked, his voice small and almost insecure.

“Really?”

“Really.”

With a nod, Merlin swallowed around the lump in his throat. Arthur had never asked him directly like this before, it was an acceptance he could only dream of. His eyes were big and questioning when he raised his hand. Yet, the confident smile he got from Arthur killed all the nerves hiding within him. 

A spell was whispered under his breath, incomprehensible to keep the surprise alive. 

Arthur’s eyebrows rose, “What did you do?”

The warlock brought a finger up to his lips, eyes sparkling mischievously. “Wait for it.”

Slowly their skin began to emit a golden glow. A glow growing brighter every second. Soon they, too, were golden lights. Just two souls, dreaming about the night sky while glowing brighter than any start they might admire. 

When an awed gasp escaped Arthur, Merlin felt utterly content. 

“Why Merlin?” Arthur asked, interrupting the peaceful quiet, regret filling every part of his voice. “Why did you wait until Camlann to tell me about your magic? Why, when you can create something so beautiful?” 

A tear escaped Merlin’s eye; a sobbed “no” leaving his lips before he could stop it. 

⁂

Merlin was running through the castle with Arthur’s plate balancing dangerously in his hands. While some of the servants just rolled their eyes, used to his antics, Gwaine dodged him dramatically, plastering himself against the wall while stealing a piece of bread as Merlin ran past. A loud laugh escaped Merlin, winking to the knight as he threw a piece of cheese to accompany the bread. 

“Got a death wish Merlin?”

“It seems to be unavoidable nowadays,” he shouted back, the distance between them growing rapidly with Merlin racing through the halls. 

“It was nice knowing you while it lasted!”

Before Merlin could reply, he’d arrived at his destination. There he just stood for a moment, looking at the heavy doors of Arthur’s chamber. He needed to find his calm again and stop sounding so out of breath. He didn’t want Arthur to make fun of his endurance again. He had plenty of endurance; Arthur should know this better than most. 

The door opened with a creak, bringing Arthur’s attention to him immediately. 

“You’re late again, Merlin.”

Merlin widened his eyes innocently, looking outside as if checking the sun. “Really? How strange. I could have sworn it was dawn!”

The hearty chuckle was the invitation he needed to step into the chambers. Arthur, always devoted to his kingdom, even in the early hours of the morning, got up from his desk and walked to the table. However, as Merlin walked to the table, faith decided to play a joke on him. 

He knew that his habit of procrastinating tidying Arthur’s clutter would bite him in the arse some day. Because the boot Merlin had left on the ground yesterday in an impulsive decision motivated by laziness, had completely escaped his sight today. With a gasp, his foot got caught behind the lone boot and Merlin went plummeting down to the ground. 

Arthur’s carefully honed reflexes were the only thing saving him from his meeting with the ground, strong arm wrapping around his waist and pulling him against Arthur’s body before he could hit anything. The food, however, was not saved from their miserable fate. Within a second, the floor was covered with bread, the small can of milk pouring over it, making the bread disgustingly soggy, the finishing touch.

Two faces watched the mess on the ground, one fondly annoyed, the other giddily embarrassed. 

“Merlin!”

Merlin turned around in the arms which were still wrapped around him.

“Oops?”

“Oops? You turn up an hour late, leaving me with building hunger. And then, when you finally show up and entice me with the cook’s delicious breakfast, you drop it to the ground? I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as clumsy and as–”

Arthur was shut up by lips meeting his. He was unresponsive for a second, struck silent by surprise. Eventually, he gave in, relaxing into the wonderful kiss. Merlin groaned softly as Arthur started to respond to the kiss. His arms coiling around the king’s neck and pulling him closer, their bodies fitting together like two puzzle pieces, made for each other. 

Arthur, being Arthur, of course, couldn’t let Merlin get away without him finishing his sentence. He had to break off the wonderful kiss just to make sure his insult was delivered, “And as inept before.” 

Merlin laughed, “I live to please.”

Arthur moved his lips to Merlin’s neck, “Oh pleasing you excel in.”

His neck seemed to bare itself on instinct, giving Arthur as much room as he wanted. He could always hide the hickeys with his signature neckerchief anyway. 

“And you love me,” Merlin said, tone teasing. 

Arthur looked up, their eyes locking on each other. “I love you more than anything.”

“I love you more,” Merlin replied, his voice turning soft as the conversation turned serious. The hands still wrapped around his waist pulled him even closer. But with the gesture of affection, came sad eyes. 

“Why did you never tell me before? You had so many opportunities to just kiss me. We could have had so much time.”

The world seemed to come to a stand-still. A gasp escaped his mouth as Merlin stepped backward, escaping from the sudden imprisoning feeling of arms around him. The air around him felt heavy as if it was trying to weigh him down.

Bringing his hand up to eye-level felt like it cost more energy than it should. Slowly he started to count his fingers, Arthur’s pitying eyes hurting more than anything else ever could. 

⁂

“Merlin? I have amazing news!” Merlin looked up questioningly from where he was making the bed. “We did it!” More confusion filled Merlin’s eyes.

“We did what?”

“It! Albion!”

“Albion is degraded to a simple ‘it’ now? Oh, I see how it is.” Merlin joked, for the mighty King Arthur was, his eloquence was surprisingly lacking some days. 

“Oh, do shut up! Let me finish one of my sentences once in a while!” 

Merlin laughed loudly, waving his hand in a gesture for Arthur to go on. 

“Leon returned today from Daobeth this morning. The weeks-long negotiations have finally come to an end. It’s wonderful Merlin, our peace treaty with King Everard has been agreed upon. That’s all the kingdoms! Albion is finally united!” Arthur’s enthusiasm and face-splitting grin were contagious, Merlin couldn’t help but feel like jumping up and down with enthusiasm.

“Everard has agreed? Arthur that’s amazing!” Merlin had never expected the ending of his destiny to be so kind to him. He’d expected hurt, loneliness, and cruel endings. But to give him the man he loved, in a united and thriving Albion where magic was legalized, was beyond his wildest expectations. Beyond his wildest dreams. 

Arthur grabbed his hand and pulled him to the adjoined balcony. 

“What are you doing? What are we doing here?” Merlin asked, looking over at the busy kingdom below. 

“Just watch,” Arthur replied mysteriously.

And so, Merlin did. He looked at the city, for the first time ever he really took some time taking it in. 

And he saw it.

He saw how Camelot had a heart, beating with every laugh echoing through the busy streets. He noticed the constant rhythm and music in the way the people went on with their day. He saw healthy people with thriving businesses. 

Their beautiful city was alive. Camelot lived in the merchant who gave the little girl passing by a free apple. It lived in Gwaine running through the alleys giving flowers to every pretty girl he passed. It lived in the children looking up to the balcony and waving enthusiastically to their king. And it lived in the small girl standing between the waving boys, creating a small spark of light, and sending it to Merlin. Her eyes glowing gold as she whispered “Emrys” in awe in his head. It lived in the way the little boys laughed and clapped at the blatant display of magic. Camelot had become her own entity, she thrived.

As Merlin took in the city, Arthur’s gaze never drifted away from his face. The king smiling fondly when he saw Merlin speechless. “We made this. We won,” he whispered in his warlock’s ear. 

“I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel real.” Merlin said, his tone stunned. 

He noticed the truth in his words as they left his mouth. Merlin watched in despair as the city seemed to morph in front of him. Small details were not adding up. He started to notice transactions looping, he noticed conversations he had heard before, every detail identical to ones years ago. 

This wasn’t real, was it?

Merlin turned to Arthur, eyes begging for help, begging for an anchor. 

“We almost had this,” Arthur whispered. 

The king groaned softly and his hand went up to his side. Merlin’s eyes followed the hand with hopelessness in his eyes, the reason for the groan became clear immediately. It was a familiar sight he would never forget, a red wound bleeding sluggishly in Arthur’s side. Merlin’s hand flew up to his mouth, gasping loudly.

“No.” Merlin’s voice came out smaller than he wanted it to. It sounded vulnerable. 

Before him Arthur sank to his knees, his face pale, eyes unseeing. 

“No,” Merlin repeated, a tone of denial accompanying the word this time. Merlin fell to his knees before his king, grabbing his lover's face between his hands. 

“Arthur please,” he begged. 

No reaction.

“No, please,” he sobbed.

No reaction.

“No!”

The shout felt silent as if no sound escaped his throat even though he was screaming at the top of his lungs. His hands left Arthur’s face, grabbing his own head instead. He squeezed, as if pressing his temples hard enough would make the scene in front of him not real, would make it all disappear. 

In a way, it did. 

His last shout came out perfect, even when Merlin shot up in his bed. Tears streamed past his eyes. 

It had happened again. 

He grabbed the book from the floor next to his bed just to throw it against the wall forcefully. The last spell he’d known existing for dreamless sleep had failed, there was no hope left. He screamed again, pulling at his hair. He screamed, and screamed, and screamed, until he was hoarse, until no sound would escape his throat anymore. Even then he didn’t stop.

Merlin fell to his knees, head falling between them. He broke. More tears streamed over his cheeks, they surprised him, he thought his tears had dried out weeks ago. 

Even sleep was not an escape anymore. His dreams taunted him with everything he could have had but never got. Taunted him with idealistic images and the fantasies of a young naïve boy. A boy dead everywhere except in his deepest unconsciousness. 

No one came to him anymore, no one reacted to his screams. 

He’d gotten a room in the deserted part of the castle a long time ago when he’d woken up half the castle for the ninth time in a row. Gwen crying softly as they moved his belongings away from Gaius’s chambers.

He’d gone willingly. 

Now he just sat there. In an empty and darkroom. In an empty wing of the castle. With a heart torn into pieces.

A hole in his chest that would never fill again.

The emptiness around him fit, he didn’t feel any different inside. 

When the dreamer inside dies, this is what happens to the dream.

⁂

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading my story!!
> 
> Quick disclaimer: English isn't my native language so I'm sorry for any mistakes I might have made!


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